


Lost in the Cosmos

by Hopeful_Foolx



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Beholding gone wrong, Elias has a bad time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No beta we die like archival assistants, Peter Lukas and Elias Bouchard are married, Sickfic, The Lonely - Freeform, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:22:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26180341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopeful_Foolx/pseuds/Hopeful_Foolx
Summary: The body of Elias Bouchard is not used to the Eye yet. Jonah-Elias forgets that, can't stop Seeing, can't stop Knowing.  Peter Lukas is not worried at all, of course, when he gets a phone call of Elias talking nonsense and passing out halfway through.--Now with a second chapter from Peter's POV!
Relationships: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas
Comments: 6
Kudos: 82





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have nothing to say for myself.

The office-door of one Elias Bouchard is foggy glass in wood. His name is written on it with golden letters, and as usual, it’s shut. There is no noise from inside, at least none that can be heard from the outside, but if someone came to look, they would find the new director of the Institute sprawled out in his office chair, the phone on his desk dangling from his fingers by the cable. His eyes open, unseeing, while Seeing too much at once, his ghostly-pale face twitching ever so slightly, mumbling to himself. But nobody is coming in, until the fog appears.

  
  


Someone is calling for him. It makes no sense, the newest assistant, Brian, sneaks out during work time to smoke and call his girlfriend, and the man at the bakery down the street had an encounter with the web this morning, he’s terrified of his cellar, his attic, for good reasons, his wife doesn’t believe him however, she thinks he’s paranoid and she is wrong, maybe he’ll make a statement later. He thinks about it, enough to let the buns in the oven burn and tries to take them out and burns his hand- His hand, his hand is wrong, his head is wrong. No, wrong, wrong is closer, met a Stranger, ran away, a former crush and he was different, so utterly not-him it terrified her and she ran, they blur into each other, spin spin spinning, because the distortion visited the bookstore close by and a man got lost there, never to return, and the woman, living in the flat on top of the shop, she hates her florals everywhere, she hates the plates and cups and towels, but it’s a distraction because she met- 

Peter? 

Peter Lukas, the Lonely, she nearly got sucked into it and found a way to escape, she hates the florals but they remind her of her late mother and that is why she keeps them, to feel less lonely and her children love them and her husband left and her husband-

He can’t see Peter, the Lonely is close and he can’t see Peter, he must be in the Lonely then, invisible, how did she escape? How did she anchor herself? He dives through her memories and Mary Emerson, Peter might know, Peter might want her back, and there it is again, someone is calling his name. Or no, not right, not his name, the new name, new body and his head is wrong, it hurts, why does it hurt? Like it’ll explode- no, wrong again, explosion, the man walking by the entrance, he set off an explosion to escape, escape the hunt, escape the hunt only to succumb to the slaughter, Kathryn Juli, on her way to the Institute, a street sign she can’t read, forgot her glasses, lost them in her attempt to escape the buried, claustrophobic now, he can’t make out the words, tries to, fails, his head, his head is wrong, it’s wrong-

“Elias”

Elias Bouchard, file clerk, director of the Institute, the Magnus Institute, not anymore, no, now he is director, but there is only emptiness where a person once was, nothingness, darkness, blurry, James, Jonah, names, they blur together like past, future, present present - this is what the man in the bakery is looking for, a present, a gift, Jonathan Shelby, gift for his girlfriend, Elias can see him, See him, See into him, all he is and all he was, he dives deeper, mundane, boring, not scared, no fear, need to look deeper, need to find it, need to-

A brick wall. But it’s not real, he isn’t actually running, he isn’t actually- his legs are moving but he doesn’t see, he sees himself through someone else, stumbling, mumbling, not there and not gone, Juta Banks, on her way to work, he sees himself through her eyes and falls into it, deeper and deeper, sees her failed marriage and how she still raises her children well, where is the man, the boring man, he needs to know, Jonathan Shelby, needs to Know what it is- 

Another brick wall, he is falling, falling free, no, that is it, it’s not a wall, it’s the Vast, how can it be? Or is it still Jonathan Shelby? He loses him, maybe he does, and there is someone else, a driver, the road, concerned, thinking about driving safely, keeping quiet, the Lukas mansion, he looks into a mirror and sees a pale man, mumbling to himself like in a fever-haze, he sees the street and he sees a woman and he sees Elias, he knows Elias, his head is wrong, his head is so wrong, he can’t, can’t can’t-

“This is quite enough” 

Cold sweeps him off his feet. He hasn’t been standing before, he is not now. And no memories, no Knowledge, he can’t See. His mind tries to, of course, but he doesn’t. It’s a nothingness, a different nothingness. Icy and quiet. His head is wrong, but no longer exploding. He longs for the cold around him, it numbs all of him and he needs it, craves it, craves Peter. Peter.

“Peter?” He asks after some time and tries to open his eyes, fails, tries again, fails. His voice is weak, it’s his voice but he is too new, this body is too new, he sometimes still is surprised at his own voice. But he is Elias now. Elias. He forces his eyes open and sees the blurry outline of a man.

“Are you back with me?” Fog surrounds them, plays along his fingers, and he closes his eyes again. Keeping them open is too hard.

“Back?” His voice gives out as he tries to See, can’t stop himself, tries but can’t, and the world turns into static and nothing more, he runs into walls until he is left even more exhausted. Lying down is exhausting, thinking, talking. His tongue so heavy, “Where did I go?” He asks when the static ends. He can feel again, now. He feels softness under his head, and it’s cold, freezing cold, he embraces it.

“You have to tell me” Peter grumbles next to him. Next to him. He craves Peter.

“Couldn’t stop. Seeing. Knowing. Tried, but…” His voice gives out again, he is too tired to be frustrated by how he can barely move, barely talk. It hurts, all of it does.

“Thought so” Peter chuckles, “There is not much to see here, though. You called me, said something about your head and then a lot of nonsense” And then he came, Elias thinks, then Peter came. He smiles at that, but the muscles in his face are exhausted and give out after a short moment. 

“Thank you” He whispers instead and blinks again. Soft. Cold. Whose bed? 

“Well, we are married, aren’t we?” They are. He remembers they are, it’s his own memory. They are in a bedroom, he lets his head loll to the side and sees Peter’s big hand coming closer, before laying over his forehead and eyes, even colder than everything around him and Elias feels it in his bones and it disconnects him from the world of others, the feeling of disconnection is so strong he sighs and melts into the softness under him

“Sleep, Elias” 

And of course he does.

-

Elias wakes up in his own bed, tangled in his blanket. A small slit in the curtain reveals daylight in all it’s stabbing beauty. It’s his apartment. Peter is gone, he Knows immediately, and he left a disgusting salad with corn and spinach and a fish-bun for Elias, something he knows he hates even the smell of. His head still hurts, his neck is stiff, but the Lonely lingers in the touch over his forehead. He rolls onto his side and realizes with some amusement, that Peter must have changed his clothes when he was sleeping - or unconscious. The pyjamas are too soft, he doesn’t care but it’s not too bad. So he had actually been worried, then. His whole body aches still and he closes his eyes. He should have thought of that. The body of Elias Bouchard can’t change in the short span he is now him, he is too new to everything, hadn’t even been marked by any Entity. Too fresh. But Jonah is a devoted follower and acted like it. The Eye can’t keep him safe from that, it doesn’t care who he watches or if it takes days, it doesn’t care about how he manages most of it. It’s fine. He should have known. He tests his limits in sitting up, the splitting headache makes a reappearance but more as a warning than anything else. There is pain medication in his drawer and he knows it’s late, he knows he’s slept for too long and he is the director of the Institute. Being in a bad mood and tormenting people would be what he needs now. 

But the cold Loneliness lingers in this room and he closes the curtains all the way before making a mental note to get Peter one of those stupid motivational books. And a new wedding ring. They haven’t yet married as Peter Lukas and Elias Bouchard, of course. Maybe he should invite the whole archival staff, just for the hell of it. Not like it’s legal anyway. 

He grins as he drifts off again. Just to mess with Peter, of course. 


	2. (Like Constellations)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's POV, as promised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I started writing this as soon as someone said they were interested, because I was interested myself xD Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos, my weekend has been super busy so I'll only get around to answer them now. Still, please Know that they made me so happy since I am new here :D

“...and it’s not alright, Peter… My head is wrong” Elias mumbles over the phone when Peter picks up. He only gets the last part of the sentence, why Elias had been talking before he even got on the line is beyond him.

“You call me for a headache?” He wants to snap at Elias for disturbing him out of principle. He’s just only came back to land, and Elias apparently just waiting for him to get close to a phone is not the quiet melancholy he wanted for his day. Still, it’s not even noon yet and Elias sounds… If he didn’t know better, he’d say he sounds drunk. He knows better, knows James drunk at least, and there is something fundamentally wrong about his voice that doesn’t fall into any category he would classify as ‘alright’ or ‘drunk’.

“What… No, she has, secretary, _she_ has a migraine, spiral… Peter, something is wrong, my assistant, he… he sneaks out and-” a choked off and pained whimper comes from the other side of the line and Peter shrugs on his coat without even really noticing that he does so, “Peter, I… I can’t… stop” a gasp and a pained noise, and Peter suddenly thinks about the possibility that Elias, of all people, got kidnapped. Could that happen? No, it can’t, he decides, then they wouldn’t let him call. 

“Elias?” Peter looks at the closest clock, it’ll take him some time to get there, but he can hurry. He knows how, “Elias, say something”

“The… he has a girlfriend, is paranoid…” his voice gives out in the last word and only a clatter follows. Peter curses quietly. If Elias actually got into trouble, then… As an Avatar, nobody would really be able to kill him. And who would be foolish enough to actually get to him? Other Avatars? No, it makes no sense. There must be something else. _(What is it?)_

“I’ll come get you, don’t move” He tries to sound annoyed, but doesn’t feel it as much as he would like. They haven’t seen each other in a while, and granted, he expected Elias to show up, all smug and tie and suit. He loves to do that, charming his way into the Lukas-Mansion and finding Peter, acting like he owns the place. Peter for his part had planned to waltz into his office, carrying enough sand with him to leave a small beach there and acting like he never thought this could be a problem. Elias rarely has actual problems, but the times he has them, they’re _bad_ . Like when James Wright died bad, or his Archivist-bad. Peter actually considered leaving the Tundra to plan his own little ritual in London, which would also mean staying closer to Elias. They _are_ somewhat married after all. Being married is not exactly Lonely, while it can be its own way of Loneliness. Waiting for him to come home on a late evening in the office, spending the day in absence of him - and they are not even actually married, not like it’s allowed anyway. Their loneliness together, they can’t quite escape that they carry rings and call each other husbands, while the world doesn’t accept that. Maybe that is one of the reasons the Lonely itself doesn’t mind. Even now, when he steps out of the house with the plan to get to Elias and enters the fog that wraps itself around him, he can’t feel disapproval. It just doesn’t care. The streets are empty that way, he doesn’t have to meet or see anyone, nobody gets in his way. It’s also faster for entirely different reasons, way and destination don’t matter when he is alone, so it bends the rules of space and time just enough. Lonely hours feel longer after all. It’s difficult to navigate it, but seeing it as his savior from childhood onwards, it’s as natural as breathing to him. Finding someone in here is almost impossible, but not for him. He knows exactly how to work the dimension, he knows exactly how to get where he wants to go. Nobody is like Peter, nobody is similar to him - that is the whole point, isn’t it? _(It is)_

He exits the Lonely when he is halfway up the stairs to Elias’ office, he feels that his secretary is gone, his assistant too, half the floor is empty. Not like he’d need it to be, he’s been here often enough to know exactly the right way to nod at people so they leave him be, but he doesn’t need to today, he crosses the hallway without being disturbed. It’s almost spooky, a good feeling - a strange, empty hallway… it feels like home. Did Elias compel everyone to leave? He doubts he is playing an elaborate prank on him, but should he be careful nevertheless? He decides on a yes. Always careful with Elias. _(Because he is dangerous, his whole existence is dangerous. How he makes him feel feelings is.)_

“Elias?” He asks gently and knocks on the door. No response comes, no shouting, no scream, no annoyed word, and he carefully opens the door, fully prepared for any fast movement. But there is nobody. He looks through the room, and it’s empty - aside from Elias, of course. But Elias is… not how he expected him to be. But to be honest, he doesn’t know what exactly he did expect, but not this, certainly. Elias is sprawled out in his office chair, hanging limp and slumped to the side, his eyes open and blank, the same blank expression he gets when he is Beholding. His hair is tousled, his tie loosened and the first button of his collar open, as if to help him breathe. His face, blank as it is, looks pale and almost feverish, unmoving, apart from his lips, mumbling words Peter can’t hear. The phone dangles from the desk by its cable and he leaves it there on purpose. Elias’ fingers have gone slack from where he held it. 

“Elias, come on” he grumbles and sits him up by grabbing his shoulders, more gentle with him than he would usually be, “Elias” He doesn’t react, his head lolls to the side and he doesn’t stop mumbling, Peter goes as far as to half-slapping his cheek trying to get a reaction. None comes. He feels too warm, and Peter leans closer to hear what he is mumbling. 

“forgot her glasses, can’t read the street sign, on your right way young lady, just walk further, you’ll find us here, no, a gift, what gift, present-” Nonsense. Even that is enough, he has _heard_ enough, he decides. Whatever this is, it needs to stop. If Elias called him, it must be bad enough for him wanting it to stop, not being able to do so himself. But where to go? Should he get him back to his apartment to sleep this off? Or until it’s over, whatever comes first. Maybe he’ll pass out in between, and Peter is not sure he likes the possibility. There is also the possibility of the mansion, but that is far. Even if he gets Elias into the Lonely, it’ll take too long, and he is not sure he wants to have him in there too long. Apartment it is then. He loops an arm around Elias’ back and hauls him to his feet, much to his surprise, he actually stands. Wobbly, unsteady, with his free arm just dangling, but as long as Peter doesn’t let go he seems to be able to walk. He tests it by taking a step forward, and Elias stumbles with him. Does he even know what is happening? And that it’s Peter here? He called him, and if he can’t stop Knowing, he’ll know that it’s Peter, he hopes. It would also mean that he’ll know he is in a lot of trouble. Of course. 

They still meet nobody inside the Institute and until they are out on the street, and he is painfully aware of how it must look, dragging Elias out of the building and into a cab. Elias is not completely limp beside him, still leaning on but when they are inside, he falls over into Peter’s coat. Pathetic, he thinks. Conderning, he also thinks. He still hasn’t shut up, now staring at the driver with empty eyes. They are only a few streets away from the Institute when he suddenly flinches, sits up straighter and falls back again, and Peter almost thinks he is better and snapping out of him until he shoves his hands away, his eyes still blank but he looks even more gone now - and not just gone. Lost. The driver says something and Elias shakes his head, grabs his tie and pulls, his free hand pulling at his hair,

“No, no I need- I need to-” and it takes some effort for Peter to hold his wrists, Elias’ eyes lock with his and he _feels_ the damn Eye. It’s stabbing into his temple, into his brain, with a blade dipped in poison, begging to let him in. He won’t. _(Elias is in his head enough already, he doesn’t need him in there even more)_

“That is quite enough” he grumbles and tells the driver to pull over, hands him the money and memorizes his name without saying more, before pulling Elias out into the open. His legs give out almost immediately, and his eyes dart around the street, unseeing, or better, Seeing something Peter can’t see. It takes so much concentration to keep him out, he is unfocused and confused and Peter can’t let him in, won’t let him in. They also can’t stay there, and while Elias is scrawny and not nearly as tall as Peter, he is not overly fond of the attention it gets them if he’d just pick him up. The cab drives away, and there is only one logical conclusion left - he takes them to the Lonely. The cold feels like a blanket around his shoulders, it welcomes him and he sighs when the noise from the busy street stops and leaves him alone at last - the pain stops, too, and Elias gives a tired sigh when they leave the normal dimension and his eyes slide closed, he goes completely limp in Peter’s hold. He catches him without a problem. Here, he can just pick him up.   
“All this drama for a headache” he mumbles, but only out of principle. Elias doesn’t stir, his head lolls against Elias’ shoulder and stays there. His features are not overly tense anymore, and he’s stopped talking. _(Finally)_

“There you go” He is so used to Elias filling any silence, that it feels wrong to have him here, silent like a fish, when he lowers him to the mattress in his bedroom. He doesn’t admit it, he likes his fish, _(oh the perks of practically living on the ocean,)_ but Elias is not one of them. He is stupidly fond of this annoying little man. He wouldn’t have married him if he wasn’t. Even if that had just been a bet - it’s their third by now. Not that it matters, of course. It never does. _(It does, to both of them)_

“Peter?” Elias’ weak voice comes from the bed and he sees him struggling to open his eyes, failing after some time and finally managing. He blinks sluggishly at him, frowning, he is not sure if he knows where he is. Peter never took him here before, and even if he regained enough strength to look around, then the apartment would still feel unfamiliar, even while being not.

“Are you back with me?” Elias’ fingers twitch and his features relax when he hears his voice. He likes the Lonely, Peter realizes. It’s probably heaven for someone who is usually unable to ignore any Knowledge, since nobody is here. 

“Back?” He frowns and Elias feels the stab of the eye on his temple - it doesn’t work, it’s too weak. Not with Elias like this in Peter’s domain. He brushes it away with ease, something he wouldn’t be able to do if Elias was at full strength, he is sure. It takes some time until Elias speaks again, until the static fades, and he asks, “Where did I go?” His mind screams the word _pathetic_ again, but externally, he just sighs.

“You have to tell me,” Peter rumbles and shakes his head. Elias is still confused, which is interesting, of course. He doesn’t pity him - but he does feel sorry, even if just a little. Teasing Elias doesn’t mean he likes to see him suffer, not like this, and he can’t help the stab of worry in his chest where nothing should stab, where nothing should be felt. He thinks he knows why this is happening, what concerns him is why the Eye does that. It should know everything, should Know better than to work with Elias like this. Even if they heal, they can still hurt, they can still be tortured until there is nothing left of them, trapped in being not human enough to die anymore, with no exit. Eternal torment for who displeases their god, but Elias hasn’t done anything. Or has he? He strokes Elias’ hair back. His forehead is warm, while he himself runs colder, he knows how warm he usually feels, this is warmer. Did he get into something? No. He worships his god too much, he wouldn’t. It’ll pass. Elias sighs and blinks, and Peter wants to smile. It’s a reminder that they work on a ticking clock, they can’t both stay here like that. 

“Couldn’t stop. Seeing. Knowing. Tried, but…” His tired voice gives out again but he relaxes into the touch. Peter doesn’t stop.

“Thought so” Peter can’t help but chuckle, “There is not much to See here, though” That’s the whole point. Nothing to distract him from how lonely he is, nobody he could compel. Elias frowns and Peter tugs at his hand to get his attention again, he can’t have him slipping away now. Weak as he is, he might even get lost here, and both of them know how much he actually likes his God.  
“You called me, said something about your head and then a lot of nonsense”

“And you came…” It’s almost inaudible, but then, louder, “thank you…” _(Shut up)_

“Well, we are married, aren’t we?” he sees the flash of a grin on his face and there it is again. The stab in his chest. They should leave. Elias keeps looking around, but it’s too much, he has no control over himself and it’s a foreign realm. He is not safe here, and he won’t sacrifice Elias. So he reaches out and puts a hand over Elias’ eyes and forehead, just right in time to see his eyes finally focus on him for a moment. It’s beautiful, he thinks, he is beautiful. Without the Beholding, even disheveled and an exhausted mess. It tugs again and he brushes the thought away, not here, not now. “Sleep, Elias” He says instead and feels Elias relax under his hand immediately. He practically melts into the pillows, and Peter lets him rest for a moment, before he has to remind himself that they can’t linger. An Avatar of the Eye can’t, being here too long might have effects neither of them could foresee. But he still takes the moments in between, watching Elias sleep. He does that, sometimes, would rather tear out his tongue than admitting that, of course. 

When they leave the realm of the Lonely, he holds onto him as the monochrome around them shifts into Elias’ bedroom. He doesn’t have a lot of color here either, but a faible for red that Peter likes to tease him about. His husband shifts, stiffens, seems restless again the moment they are back in the real world, and Peter just puts his hand over his eyes again. The Eye could take from Jonah, from James, but it can’t take from Elias like that yet. He is too new, his body needs time to adjust. The first few times he tried to Know things it hurt, he told Peter about it in one of his extremely frustrated midnight-calls. Like he’s thought before, if it hits him, it’s bad. 

“No Seeing” he mumbles, “Sleep. Rest. You Know he is your devoted servant, he always is. Leave him be for now” He doesn’t know if the Eye hears him. Maybe through Elias it hears and sees everything. In any case, he settles down again and doesn’t stir when Peter rummages through his closet to find the Pyjama put furthest in the back of the drawer. It’s soft, and maybe even belonged to the original Elias. James had been taller, in the short span he inhabits this body now, he had to get an entire new wardrobe to look like he does now, suit and tie, crisp and proper. Or, how he looks normally. He shakes his head and redresses him, puts shirt and tie on the foot of the bed, leaves the shoes next to it. He still feels too warm, but he tucks him in anyway, before settling down on the bed next to him, his own body always unwelcomingly cold. He can keep an eye on him, he decides, but is not in the least surprised when Elias rolls over and closer to him - because only Elias would cling to the Cold and Lonely. It’s interesting, since he always acts like it bothers him. It’s their game around each other.

He stays there until he thinks Elias’ body temperature has dropped to a normal level again, not moving, just watching him sleep for the rest of the day and well into the night. He doesn’t wake up even once, and it gives Peter time to take him in again. His soft hair, the bags under his eyes from just today. Interesting. He knows why he is fond of him, or rather, he doesn’t know why and that is why he likes him. He is impossible, annoying, he is also a challenge. And where other people are warm, welcoming, Elias is not. They both know, if it would serve their own plans, they would kill each other in the blink of an eye. They are devoted to different entities, to different ways of life, and only a tiny part of it connects them. They make do with it. It’s fascinating, really, and he takes pride in how Elias will never be able to figure him out - even if today had been a close call. It’s how they work. He still cares, of course. They both care, in their own, crooked way they care. He doesn’t dwell on it. But at the same time he knows, he would do this again in a heartbeat, he would come to get him again and again. Like he did today, like is still doing now, carefully paying attention until he thinks Elias well enough to leave him. Only then he lets himself vanish and reappears half an hour later with a box labeled ‘breakfast’ in hand. He makes sure nothing happened in the time he had been gone, places a feather-like kiss on his husband’s forehead and leaves Elias to wake up alone in a few hours. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peter was... interesting to write? I am not sure if I like how he turned out completely, but it's a start, he is not usually the type of person I'd write. Thank you for reading :)

**Author's Note:**

> CrackShips are kind of a magnet for me, so here I am. I got the idea from the Tmahc-week prompt 'Delirium' actually, and while I was actually thinking of writing it from Peter's POV, I stuck with Elias. But I could add a second chapter from Peter's POV? Let me know what you think :) And thank you for reading <3


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